There was a quote i came across once.

I can’t remember the exact words,

or who said it,

but i remembered it well,

because it struck a chord in me.

Someone else out there,

knows what i have been thinking about for some time now,

and i am relieved.

A person capable of great public good, possess the same capability of great evil.

2 days before New Year’s Eve,

i was confronted by a very serious piece of news.

Excessive barking.

I had employed every single method under the sun.

Nothing worked.

I speculated it was because i had 2 very opposite dogs.

One excruciatingly intelligent, and always wanting to please.

The other, seemingly slow, and terribly stubborn.

I had neither the time nor the money anymore.

I made a decision,

to re-home one.

Dax.

It was not a question of favouritism (maybe a little),

but ultimately,

i chose a dog that could keep pace with my lifestyle.

One that could run 8km with me if i am upset,

one that could lop beside me on bike rides,

one that could stride along as i skate.

Most importantly,

one that could be easily trained to heed my commands,

without getting both of us killed.

But i did consider giving Kel up too,

just because Dax is so much more manageable.

He was quiet and inactive,

and can easily slot into my life.

But one thing i will not lie to myself,

i will not forgive myself if i give Kel up.

Giving Dax up is hard enough,

what of Kel?

Dax failed the assessment test.

Not suitable for re-homing.

Because he was slow or too timid or too shy or a horrific combination of all three.

Surrendering him would mean signing his death warrant.

I took him back.

A friend kindly put up with him.

In fact,

wanted to adopt him.

Except,

Dax messed up,

yet again.

In my house,

he is house-trained.

In my friend’s house,

he wasn’t.

That blew away interested new owners.

I had 1 day left to decide.

I was running out of time.

And under incredible stress.

Even the cafe staff were giving me leeway,

and letting me adjust my shifts at the last minute.

I have not been going to the hospital,

and i was now faced with the real fear of having to defer a year,

if i could not complete my project.

I realized,

i may have to put my dog to sleep.

All 3 friends,

the same ones who pitched in to help,

went into an uproar.

They were not shocked with my decision per se,

but more aghast at the thought of killing an animal that has been so close to all of us,

that has bonded with us through trials and tribulations.

No doubt,

the majority found Dax’s attitude distasteful,

but death was still not wished upon.

We analyzed my decision logically,

and i was glad i had this band of friends.

Highly-intelligent people,

capable of thorough analysis.

My decision was the obvious way to go.

It was pragmatic.

But not morally and emotionally acceptable.

But nothing was to be done.

I am the owner,

and we were running out of options.

Certainly,

pulling dog-sitting shifts will kill us eventually.

I rallied for euthanasia,

because i was weary.

I told my friends to give me their opposing opinions,

no matter how frank it was,

just so i know whether i am doing the right thing.

I was not just trying to convince them,

i was trying to convince myself.

That night,

i believe all 4 of us went home.

Went home with heavy hearts and troubled thoughts.

I could not sleep that night.

To be honest,

i never asked myself point blank,

whether i will put Dax to sleep.

Perhaps i was having faith,

holding out,

subconsciously knowing that a solution will be thrown up.

Maybe i was dreading the worst,

and was avoiding it till the very last minute.

But at the root of all these questions,

i asked myself 2 perplexing and disturbing questions.

Am i capable of putting my dog to sleep?

In all my years,

i have always looked critically upon owners who had to use this measure on their otherwise healthy dogs.

With this step i take,

i will be challenging the entire moral structure that i had constructed my life around.

If i go through with this, will my life collapse in shambles?

What is it like,

to experience guilt of such magnitude?

If i do it once,

will it be easier to do it a second time?

The next morning,

with little sleep,

i took the plunge.

I finally reluctantly mobilized the part of my social network,

that has been clad with much dust.

The friends that i occasionally hung out with,

but stop short of asking for favours.

The previous night,

i had browsed several pet rescue websites.

Th surest way of finding your dog a good home,

is to make sure you have a lot of time to source for one.

I can cut off more time from my schedule,

i just needed a foster home.

Bringing Dax back would upset Kel.

Already,

she had been crying herself exhausted for 2 days running.

The dog behaviourist came,

before i got my friends’ replies.

Before 2 sentences were out of his mouth,

i interrupted him about Dax.

I told him i was re-homing Dax,

he did not say anything further,

but focused on Kel.

But i kept asking him about Dax.

Finally,

this wise dog trainer asked me one simple question.

“Do you want to keep your dog?”

I looked at him in the eye,

and i replied,

quietly but surely,

“Yes.”

Then bring him over.

They will be fine together.

That is what i did,

They are both with me,

the atmosphere is back to normal,

and all 3 of us (Dax, Kel and I) are more at peace.

I never thought i could love that dog,

that dog that drove me mad.

But i did,

and unconditionally.

It made no sense.

My friends are relieved.

The second question i asked myself was this.

“If my friends were not so adamant against my decision of putting my dog to sleep, would i ever think twice?”

I do not have answers to my perturbing questions.

I only have facts.

And the fact is,

i did not put my dog to sleep.

Maybe the reason why i was so calm about my pro-euthanasia decision,

is because i knew that i would never do it.

Maybe it is because i do indeed have the coldness in me,

to take the measures for the greater good.

I am only confident of two things now.

1) That i am glad i demanded an assessment on the spot for Dax when we were in the pound,

instead of signing my ownership over.

If i had done the latter,

i would only be told 28 days later what would have happened to my dog.

By then it would be too late.

And i praise and thank the Lord that i did not merely take things at face value,

and bluffed myself that everything will turn out fine.

2) I have been presented with the first test,

a test that challenges my moral beliefs and principles,

and i am relieved i passed it.

I can only hope that in future tests,

i would not be that tormented.